They either felt bad for me and their eyes welled up with pity or they just didn’t know what to say. ![]() They would judge me even if they didn’t mean to. They hadn’t gone through what I had gone through. When I talked to others about my emptiness they just didn’t get it. I had to get it all out and writing it down was the only way that worked. ![]() It was my counselor, my friend, and my dumping pad. When I looked I couldn’t find myself so I wrote down my agony. I cried so many tears I lost myself as that young teen girl. RELATED: What it’s Like to Love a Motherless Daughter I want to light a candle for you at Christmas again. ![]() I guess I’m busy with my own boys and our own Christmas family traditions. We don’t do it anymore and I’m not sure why because I still miss you. You died right before Christmas so I guess this made sense. We used to light a candle for you at Christmas. Sharply splintered tears had ripped streaks from my eyes down to my toes leaving me memories of that moment as scars of grief. I had to wonder if it was a sign from you that you were in heaven. It was about comfort and the valley of death. Did it fall from heaven and you dropped it for me to find? Had someone put it in a balloon from far away and that balloon popped over my house leaving the card to fall? Did God put it there? Did a neighbor nestle it into our grass to give me comfort? I still have the card. The card had a picture of Jesus on the front. One day not long after you died I found a card cradled in the grass of our backyard. RELATED: Did My Mom Know How Much I Loved Her? Maybe that piece is in your heavenly home with you and someday you can put it back in me and I will be whole again. A part of me is still lost and I’m wondering if I will ever get it back. I understood their sadness and confusion. The cats looked for you, I saw them searching, but they could never find you. I had pets and cats to console me and give me company. I had the rest of my family too who gave me love. I had good friends who helped and distracted me. Many were bad things, but some were good. I searched for many things to fill myself up. I gave up many things you had loved right alongside me, but somehow with you gone they just didn’t matter anymore. I tell you this, Mom, not to make you sad but to let you know how much of an impact losing you had on my young life. Depression left me crawling through my days. The blood became rough and scraped up my heart. Depression ran in my veins alongside my blood. I fell into a never-ending well of agony after you died. I’ve felt your absence every day of my life since you were stolen from me. Know that you are missed more than words could ever say, Mom. Waking up in sorrow and again remembering you were dead was the hardest point of each day. In the year after your death, my dreams plagued me whether they were about your death or when they fooled me into thinking you were still alive. RELATED: To Those Who Know the Bitter Hurt of Losing a Parent ![]() Sometimes I landed on solid ground, sometimes I landed in a pond and almost drowned. A piece of fluff that gets knocked about the world by the wind. That child flails in the wind like a cottonwood seed. When a mom dies, her child is no longer whole. I can tell you a mom is irreplaceable for a child.
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